


Letters from the past

by Lilly0



Category: Arashi (Band), Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: M/M, Melancholy, Romance, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-22
Updated: 2015-08-22
Packaged: 2018-04-16 14:49:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4629285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilly0/pseuds/Lilly0
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was a time when words were difficult for Jun, they were even more difficult for Sho. So they stuck to writing. Important messages, poems, light-hearted confessions, thoughtful words written down on either neon-pink or neon-red coloured post-its.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Letters from the past

**Author's Note:**

> Beta-read by ivenclaire.

_Dear Jun,_  
  
 _Let’s always walk forward. Always taking our own path, while still together._  
 _Strong._  
  
 _I am not yours, not lost in you,  
Not lost, although I long to be  
Lost as a candle lit at noon,  
Lost as a snowflake in the sea.  
  
You love me, and I find you still  
A spirit beautiful and bright,  
Yet I am I, who long to be  
Lost as a light is lost in light.  
  
Oh plunge me deep in love - put out  
My senses, leave me deaf and blind,  
Swept by the tempest of your love,  
A taper in a rushing wind._  
(I’m not yours, by Sara Teasdale)  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
“Say **,** Jun-“ Aiba pops up from behind of some huge boxes. His head is red and sweaty, some strands of his hair are sticking to his forehead. “Why again didn’t you call a moving company?”  
  
“I did call them. They already brought everything to this place. Because you offered your help.” Jun grins and points at his wonderful, new apartment. Aiba throws him a grumpy glance, but Jun ignores it and keeps unpacking some of his belongings out of a box. The box is lavender coloured. Jun liked that and had chosen it for his more personal belongings.  
  
“So, Aiba-chan did.” Nino complains as he carries a little cupboard together with Ohno to place it right in the corridor. “But I didn’t.” He stumbles a bit, a huge cloud of dust spreading around him and Ohno. The latter coughs. When Nino stumbles again, Ohno lets out a deep sigh. “Let me carry that alone.” He says and doesn’t even wait for Nino’s answer.  
  
“He is obviously used to physical work.” Nino complains.  “Must be because he owns a boat. It made him… you know… rustic.”  
  
“I don’t think that’s the reason.” Sho intervenes calmly. He hasn’t talked much the whole day, just silently helped with the work. Jun isn’t sure if he does that with intent, but he is glad and thankful for that. With all his noisy friends, he is glad that at least one of them is holding back a bit.  
  
Some things better stay the way they are.  
  
It’s almost six hours later that they have emptied all the boxes and put everything into place. Everything looks neat and clean and all new **,** including themselves, because all of them have already used the shower and changed into fresh clothes. Sho has already left them for a birthday party. He apologized politely when he left. It’s weird because Jun already told him several times not to keep his distance like that. He likes to have Sho around, he is perfectly fine with his presence. It’s more like Sho is the one who can’t let go easily. He seems to be happy when Jun tells him to stay, even though sometimes **,** it seems that Sho thinks Jun is just being polite.  
  
Still, Jun is pretty sure that Sho is truly invited to a family birthday. It’s not a lame excuse. It can’t be. Sho has only lied to him once – and never again afterwards.  
  
Nino opens a bottle of Jun’s expensive wine now and looks around, nodding slightly. “Well, you definitely have an eye for a good apartment. If I ever want to change mine, I’ll ask you for help.”  
  
“Sure.” Jun agrees and takes a sip from his wine. Perfect. It tastes slightly bitter, but not too much **,** almost flowery. Ohno and Aiba on the other hand have politely refused his wine and are basically drowning in beer now. “I definitely owe you after your help. Thanks guys.”  
  
“I’ll forever envy you for the roof-deck.” Aiba says and lies down on the floor, eyes pinned to the stairs that lead up to the roof. “But I’m not changing my apartment any time soon. We’ve done enough work for the next five years.”  
  
Jun silently agrees. For a moment **,** none of them talks. They are all pretty much enjoying the silence and comfort after a day full of hard work. It feels weirdly relaxing and comfortable to be together. It’s only when Aiba shifts his head a bit and turns on his stomach that he draws Jun’s attention. “What’s that? Have we forgotten to unpack that one?” There is clear displeasure in Aiba’s voice by the mere view of more work.  
  
Jun blinks for a moment when Aiba points at a box that’s been hidden in one of the shelves. It’s old-rose coloured and rather big, little golden patterns on it **,** an old-fashioned box, one he hasn’t seen in forever.  
  
He can’t even remotely describe the millions of emotions that flood him when he sees it. It’s impossible, it shouldn’t be there. He has thrown it away long ago. It shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t, shouldn’t, shouldn’t… It should forever be out of his sight.  
  
“Jun?” It’s Nino’s voice now that pulls him out of his thoughts. There is clear curiosity in it. This certain tune he has when something catches his interest. “What’s that?”  
  
“A sign from the past.” Jun answers and even he himself can hear how his voice is strained. He sounds weird to his own ears.  
  
“Can I open it?” Aiba asks. Before he can do so, Ohno has taken it away from him though. He has always been like that – silently attentive, without anyone noticing how much he actually sees and knows.  
  
“It’s heavy.” The latter says in surprise when he takes it to Jun.  
  
Jun is glad that he doesn’t know how heavy it truly is. All the memories and emotions that are inside are weighing by far more than any physical weight.  
  
“Come on, J.” Nino robs a bit closer when Jun sits down on his new Persian carpet. “Open it. Get it over with.”  
  
Later **,** Jun will blame it on the flowery wine, the whole numb atmosphere around them and the alluring presence of the box itself. Like it’s magic, a mermaid seducing its victim before she kills it.  
  
It’s when Jun opens the box that he can feel it all over again. The mermaid stabs him, deeply. The blood in his veins is cold.  
  
“Little presents. And so many notes. But all of them on red coloured paper – my eyes hurt, seriously.” Nino says in surprise. “Are they like a diary?”  
  
“They are letters.” Jun explains.  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
 _1998_  
There was a time when words were difficult for Jun, they were even more difficult for Sho. So they stuck to writing. Important messages, poems, light-hearted confessions, thoughtful words written down on either neon-pink or neon-red coloured post-its.  
  
They were cheesy like that when they were younger. Jun is surprised by how much of this innocence they have lost. It’s like he can hardly remember this time when he used to write with coloured pens and drew little patterns and pictures in his diary.  
  
He was 16 back then, his heart full of dreams and wishes **.** Little things used to upset him or excite him **.** He could watch birds in the sky forever **.** He could imagine himself as a student of Hogwarts, dream of miracles and love. He believed that he could change others through love. He grew out of these dreams long ago, it’s like his heart aged. And with his age **,** these little innocent dreams vanished too.  
  
 _Maybe it’s stupid, Jun-kun, and you will laugh about your idiotic senpai, but I like letters, you know?_  
 _Would you like to write back to me? (July, 10 th, 1998)_  
  
~~~  
  
  
 _You did well today. I’m so proud._ Aiba reads the words out loud. “Who did well? You, Jun? And who wrote it?”  
  
Jun gets up and goes into the kitchen. He can’t do that without a heavier drink. Cognac. Definitely.  
  
“Are you alright?”  
  
To his surprise it’s Nino who followed him. “You did recognize the handwriting, didn’t you?” Jun asks, surprised at how calm his voice sounds.  
  
Nino shrugs. “Yeah, I’ve seen it a lot when we were younger. Well-“ he pauses, playing a bit with the zipper of his sweater. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know. Otherwise I wouldn’t have pushed you to open it.”  
  
“It’s not your fault.” Jun says when he grabs one of his cognac glasses. “Want one too?”  
  
“Yeah **,** and catch one for Oh-chan too.”  
  
Jun nods and angles for another two glasses. “It’s not your fault. It’s mine. I couldn’t stay away from it.”  
  
“Hm.” Nino nods, his fingers stopping to play with the zipper. Instead **,** they touch the cold bottle now, leaving little traces on the tarnished bottle. “Maybe it’s the right time for it today **.** ” He finally says. “You might never look at it again otherwise.”  
  
Maybe.  
  
Maybe not.  
  
Jun is sure he would have gone for the first option, but when he comes back to his beautiful new living room, Aiba looks at him so expectantly that he doesn’t have the heart to say no. Besides, who is he kidding? The box is so damn alluring. How long has it been since the last time he opened it?  
  
“Pandora’s Box.” Jun sighs.  
  
Nino heard him. Jun is sure about that. But he doesn’t say anything. Neither does Ohno.  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
 _1999_  
Growing up in a world where everything was fast-paced, changing ever so quickly, with nothing consistent and no safe place, Jun was always glad that he had his very one comfort place.  
  
“You are probably going to catch a cold.” Sho would complain, when he found him sitting on one of the branches of a cherry tree. But for Jun **,** that didn’t matter. The old tree, with its huge branches and thick trunk, the smell of cherry blossoms lingering around was so peaceful that he would have caught a cold for it. “Also, we should study for your next exam.”  
  
On warm days **,** Sho would tutor him underneath that tree. It was Jun’s first perfect memory he had with Sho, one he swore to himself he wouldn’t forget.  
  
 _If you like cherry trees that much, Jun-kun, we should visit the new Sakura exhibition. My treat._  
  
Today, the tree doesn’t exist anymore. It got cut, because it was so old and slowly getting sick.  
  
  
~~~  
  
Meanwhile, Ohno has emptied two glasses of cognac, while Jun hasn’t even touched his first glass. All four of them are sitting on the carpet now, the little red notes spread around them. “There are other things in the box too.” Nino analyses calmly. “A sweater. And a plush toy and- whatever else there is. Do you want to look at it, Jun?”  
  
“No.” Jun says. And apparently his voice was so tensed that Nino drops the subject immediately. Also **,** the others didn’t say anything. Instead **,** Ohno grabs one of the paper fragments. “You didn’t lie, these are letters.”  
  
“Why should I lie about it?”  
  
Ohno shrugs and smiles calmly. It’s this smile that makes Jun all relaxed and comfortable again. “It’s just, I’m surprised. They don’t look like it. More like notes. But there is a date written on every one of it.”  
  
“Let’s put it in an order.” Aiba suggests.  
  
“Yeah,” Nino sighs deeply. “Let’s put thousands of little notes, letters or whatever they are into an order.” But despite his complaint **,** he hurries to Aiba’s help.  
  
 _I like how much you’ve improved. Keep working! I’m watching over you._ “That’s an older one” Nino analyses. _2000, February 15 th. _  
  
“How sweet.” Aiba sighs. “Why has no one ever written such things for me?”  
  
“If you really want them that much, I could write to you.” Nino jokes.  
  
Aiba throws him a glare. “No thanks. If it’s you, you are going to make fun of me. But these-“ He takes another note. _If you ever feel sad again, call me. I’ll be there. Don’t let it eat you up. 2001, March 2nd._ “-were honestly meant and sincere.” He turns around to Jun. “Right?”  
  
Jun licks his lips nervously. He can almost feel Ohno’s thoughtful glance and Nino’s curious eyes resting on him. He wonders if it was a good idea to involve them in this story. Probably not. Not after all these years, where he and Sho have overcome this whole story. Why warm it up now? But- “Yes, they were.” He says. “At that time **,** each word we wrote down was sincere and honestly meant.”  
  
“What about that one?” Nino asks curiously, grabbing another one of the older letters. _2002, September 5 th_.  “You had a fight?”  
  
 _I’m sorry I got impatient and yelled at you. It’s my fault. I made you cry. You never cried because of me before. I wish I could turn back time. Please, don’t take it to heart. I didn’t mean it!!_  
  
Jun blinks a bit before he takes the letter. The paper is creasy **.** Apparently **,** he has read it many times. “Yes-“ he says carefully, his memory slightly putting the pieces together. “We did. It was a huge fight though.”  
  
“Was that the one where he basically lost it completely and yelled at you for five minutes?” Ohno asks, a deep frown on his forehead.  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Ah.” Ohno nods and takes a sip from his cognac. “That’s the one I punched him for.”  
  
Jun stares at him in utter surprise. He. Did. What? He needs to make sure. “You are kidding, right? It’s the first time that I hear that.”  
  
“Me too.” Nino agrees, eyeing Ohno in slight interest. “Is it really true? Wow, you know, Oh-chan, that’s almost cool!”  
  
“Yes, we kept it a secret. Not a proud moment, you know?” Ohno shrugs like it’s the most normal revelation in the world. “I hit him pretty hard. He had a black eye afterwards.”  
  
“No way!” Nino calls out.  
  
Jun frowns a bit. He leans back, stretching his neck slightly. He tries to remember, but this incident is still blurry to him, he can’t remember what happened exactly. He just knows that he cried a lot over this fight.  
  
“Say-“ Aiba’s voice can be heard all of a sudden. It’s only then that Jun realizes he hasn’t said anything during their last discussion. “These letters are from-. It’s-“ He pauses and doesn’t say anything else. Jun is thankful for that. Aiba is a lot more sensitive than people give him credit for and Jun is glad that at least one of his friends keeps pretending not to know anything.  
  
“This had to be hard for you, Jun. This fight.” Nino says all of a sudden, a thoughtful expression gracing his ever-so-young looking face. He is getting wrinkles though, much to Jun’s delight. It looks good on him, as weird at it might sound. “I’m sorry for not realizing anything back then.”  
  
Jun can’t help a smile. “Don’t worry. It’s long ago. We eventually got over it.”  
  
~~~  
  
 _2002_  
At that time, years ago, they were full of flaws. They still have their flaws now, but they got over-shadowed by their strong points. They learned to live with them.  
  
 _I’m glad you could forgive me. You are so soft, Jun **.** I wish the others would know about this side of you too._  
  
Today **,** Sho is still short-tempered. And Jun is still stubborn and impatient. But it doesn’t matter that much anymore.  
  
Jun can laugh about his own mistakes and flaws now. And he knows that Sho can do it too.  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
 _Who said that love was fire?  
I know that love is ash.  
It is the thing which remains  
When the fire is spent,  
The holy essence of experience._  
(Who said that love was fire, by Patience Worth)   
  
  
“I didn’t know you were into poems.” Ohno looks down at one of the letters from 2003 thoughtfully. Jun is grateful that he doesn’t ask him why Sho sent him a love poem, if the meaning was directed to him, and if it has a deeper message to it. “I mean, I know you like lyrics, so maybe I shouldn’t be surprised. But-“  
  
“It’s something I discovered with time.” Jun smiles. “I’ve collected poetry from different cultures and countries then. This here has always been one of my favourites.”  
  
Ohno nods while he puts the letter away. Instead **,** he takes another one, same year, eyes blinking in surprise for a moment. “What about this one?” Ohno’s grin is so wide that it could basically fill every possible room with laughter. “Is this a painting?” He hands it to Jun when the latter reaches for it.  
  
Jun can’t help a sudden warm smile. He has tried not to let any of those notes and letters get too close to him **.** But the moment he sees the helplessly, awfully drawn picture, supposedly a summer-flower field and a couple dancing there, the emotions are suddenly overflowing him.  
  
“I was sick.” He explains. Nothing more than that. He doesn’t need to say anything else because Ohno nods knowingly.  
  
This was probably one of the nicest things he has ever received. Sho went out of his comfort zone when he did that for him – and it meant more than anything else for Jun. It’s easy to do something you are good at, but to try something you suck at just to make someone else feel better is truly admirable.  
  
  
~~~  
  
 _2004_  
  
“Here, a present.”  
  
Jun looked up from his phone, eyeing Sho in surprise. “A book with poems?”  
  
“You seem to like them recently, so I thought-“ There was a sudden nervousness around Sho, like he was feeling flustered.  
  
“It’s good. Thanks!” Jun said mainly to diffuse Sho’s worries that he got him a wrong present. It was only later that day that he took it into his hands again, skimming through it. It was a wonderful little book, with different English poems. Some of them Jun had heard before because people kept quoting them, but others were new to him.  
  
Even now **,** he wonders if this was the moment when he fell in love with Sho. Probably not, probably he had already lost his mind earlier. But still, this moment, when he read this book **,** he was suddenly sure that it was not only a crush he had on Sho. He was in love. Truly, with all his heart.  
  
Today, Jun has more books like that. He has collected them for a while. Even after his story with Sho was over, he didn’t stop reading them.  
  
Also the book Sho gave him is still here, hidden in his shelf.  
  
  
~~~  
  
They are taking a break from digging in Jun’s past. Probably because Nino and Ohno drank too much.  
  
It’s more out of a habit to clean up that he picks up one of the letters that’s been slipped under the sofa. It’s a very old one.  
  
 _“I swear, if I ever see you drinking again before you turn 21, a sorry won’t do.”_  
  
“It says 2003, right? You drank at that age?” Ohno looks over his shoulder and eyes the note. His voice is a bit shaky. Jun is sure he will be hangoverish tomorrow. “Stupid!”  
  
“Uh, look who is being all judgemental and holier than holy.” Nino’s voice is dripping with sarcasm. “Oh-chan is the one who should definitely NOT complain.”  
  
Jun is glad that the other two are distracted with their little argument. When he leaves for the kitchen he can hear how Nino says something along the lines of “This really brings forward  lots of different sides of our members.”  
  
Jun isn’t all that sure who he actually means. Ohno? Jun? Or maybe Sho? Apparently **,** he can’t even think properly anymore. His head feels so damn heavy.  
  
“Are you alright?” It’s Aiba. Apparently **,** he followed him into the kitchen. “I-“ he pauses. “Sorry.” He says. Nothing more.  
  
“It’s okay, idiot.”  
  
  
~~~  
  
 _2006, winter_  
  
Jun still remembers the time when he was searching for his place in this world. Even when he became part of Arashi, he wasn’t so sure who he was or what he wanted to be, what he could be.  It took him a while to find it – his very own goals and dreams. He used to mix them up with what he dreamed for Arashi. But slowly with time, there were other wishes and thoughts coming to him, things that only concerned him and not the whole group. They weren’t the wishes of a teenager, a kid, anymore, but things that were truly dear to his heart. With every step he took **,** the image became clearer, until he was stepping forward with a fast pace, without looking back anymore and without questioning everything he did.  
  
 _I belong here, Sho-kun. This is my place. It’s me, with all my flaws and strengths. This is me – and I like what and who I am. Sho-kun, if you don’t see me at your side, don’t write back to me. I’m strong enough now – I can take it if you don’t want me._  
  
He scribbled these thoughts down on a pink note and gave it to Sho only minutes later. He wondered if Sho would understand his confession correctly.  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
“Was that for Gokusen?” Nino has woken up from sleep. He rubs his neck now. “It’s not comfortable lying on your floor.”  
  
Jun thinks he should probably tell Nino that it’s his own freaking fault for falling asleep there, but he gets distracted by the note Nino shows him. When he pulls an eyebrow up, Nino shrugs.  
  
“I’ve been sleeping on it.” He explains. “That’s how I found it.”  
  
 _Drama! And a major role on top of that! Congrats! This is going to be awesome, you’ll be awesome. Stay confident!_  
  
“No, Hana Yori Dango.” Jun says and points at the date. He still remembers. Only slightly he wonders why the hell everything is still so present in his mind. It’s like it’s only been yesterday that he found these little letters day for day.  
  
 _I think you are always cool, whatever you do. Don’t lose your confidence. Damn. You need to get a grip! You are not the whiny kind of guy. You have to get over it, stand up again. You decide on your own path. Whatever you do, I’ll believe in you._  
  
  
~~~  
  
 _2006, winter_  
  
At one point **,** they started to talk more openly to each other.  The more they talked, the less they wrote to each other. Still **,** the letters remained a personal little habit of them and every once in a while **,** when there was something important happening, they would do it again.  
  
Jun doesn’t know when it changed like that, but when he thinks back now **,** then it had to be the time when he wrote this one letter to Sho. About how he was finally comfortable and self-confident with himself. The confession.  
  
It was a breaking point. Sho’s answer came immediately the next day.  
  
 _I’m happy for you, Jun. I truly am. I still need more time for myself though. You are walking faster than me now, you have slowly surpassed me. Can you give me that time? I don’t want you to leave my side._  
  
It was not a question of can or can’t at that time. Jun didn’t even think about it, he simply gave Sho all the time he needed. This time **,** he wanted to be the one supporting Sho, not the other way round.  
  
“It’s really been long.” Jun mumbles as he leans against his new kitchen counter. He has just prepared some coffee, glad that the other three have finally gone home and left him alone with his thoughts. It feels relaxing and warming to hold the cup in his hands and turn the spoon over and over again. _Clack_.  
  
  
~~~  
  
It’s a nice change for him, an escape from reality and daily routine, when he goes on a trip together with the others – also Sho.  
  
Days full of light-hearted fun. That’s exactly what he needs after all these weeks of work and stirred up emotions. He is glad that it’s working. Even though Sho is around, it doesn’t matter. It’s surprising how easy it is to switch off his mind. Jun wonders if he is just getting detached or if he is truly strong.  
  
It’s when he is visiting the private swimming pool on the roof deck of their hotel together with Ohno and Nino, that the latter picks up the topic again. “Are you over it?”  
  
“Over what?” Jun asks, not because he doesn’t know what Nino is talking about, but he likes it when people voice out their true feelings and intentions.  
  
Ohno lies down next to him on his stomach and stretches a bit. “I prefer the beach more, you know. Next time **,** let’s go to the ocean.” He muses, apparently eager to change the subject.  
  
“Over what?” Jun repeats, slightly amused.  
  
Ohno lets out a sigh, while Nino merely shrugs. “Sho-kun.”  
  
That’s what he likes about Nino. He is always acting normal around everyone. Even when it’s a touchy subject, he won’t hide behind fake words. He is always Nino. “Am I over it?” Jun takes his time to answer that. Mainly because he isn’t quite sure about that question himself. “Give me some time to answer it. I guess, you were right, I need to open my past again. When we found the box, I originally wanted to forget all about it. But it isn’t working like that, I need to deal with it. Once I’ve done that, I can give you an answer.”  
  
“Hm.” Nino says and nods a bit. Jun isn’t sure if the latter is happy with his answer or not, but he for sure has accepted it.  
  
  
~~~  
  
 _2006, fall_  
  
They kissed for the first time. It was spontaneous and came as a surprise, even though Jun had loved Sho all this time, all these years. An innocent crush turned into love. It was a hot and sticky late-summer evening that they were heading for the ocean.  
  
For a while **,** Jun was surfing, his thoughts were far away from anything romantic. Only when he got out of the water again, put his surfboard in the sand and sat down next to Sho, that he realized that Sho had been watching him. Probably all the time. All of a sudden **,** the wind felt cold on his skin. He bent forward a bit, closer to Sho, until he could feel Sho’s hands around his neck and his lips on his.  
  
 _Lips so kissable that I wished the day had more hours so that I could always kiss them._  
  
Sho could be surprisingly cheesy. But what was even more surprising to Jun was that he himself liked it. He liked reading these little romantic words. He would have never wanted to hear them spoken out loud, but to read them… it was like a little love letter he received.  
  
Even now **,** Jun still thinks that Sho has a soft side to him, one he is hiding well sometimes. But it’s so visible when he suddenly puts his hand on Aiba’s shoulder when the latter stumbles, when he randomly brings some juice from the vending machine because Jun feels tired, when he tells a stupid joke for Nino to loosen up and forget about his strained ankle.  
  
It seems to be ridiculous for the others, they might not even notice it. But this is the kind of person that once won Jun’s heart so easily  
  
  
~~~  
  
Two weeks after their fateful after-moving party and Aiba’s unfortunate discovery (mainly the box with all the proof that he and Sho were so close once), all three of them are suddenly knocking at Jun’s door. He should be more surprised, he thinks, when he lets his friends inside. Ohno is the only one looking slightly apologetic. Aiba and Nino on the other hand obviously want to have a good time at his place.  
  
“We decided to help you with cleaning up.” Nino grins. “Your past.”  
  
“Only if you want to, though.” Aiba adds.  
  
Jun rolls his eyes. One part of him feels a bit pissed, the other part can’t help a grin though. If they are having fun, he wants to have some too. So he angles for a specific letter from 2006. “I’ve been reading some of them lately and stopped with this one.”  
  
 _Here, you just moved in an apartment of your own. Try this recipe._  
  
What follows is a long recipe for a strawberry cake. Nino and Aiba keep studying it, before Nino nods earnestly. “We should try it.”  
  
“What?” Ohno blinks and throws a glance at the paper. “Now?”  
  
“Yes!” Aiba chuckles. “Count me in.”  
  
“Count me out.” Jun intervenes. He smiles to himself. Perfect.  
  
Ohno nods. “Count me out too.” He lies down on Jun’s sofa once the other two went grocery shopping. “Mind, if I sleep a bit?” he asks.  
  
“Not at all.” In fact **,** it’s even a bit relaxing to have someone lying around, all relaxed and sleepy. Jun wonders how long it has been that someone else was so relaxed in his apartment.  
  
“Jun-“ Ohno starts all of a sudden. “Do you still love, Sho?”  
  
Jun puts his cup of tea on the table, his fingers tapping against it for a while. He should feel bothered at Ohno asking that directly, maybe even mad at Ohno, but it’s Ohno – so it’s okay. “I don’t know.” He answers honestly. “I truly don’t know yet.”  
  
“Hm.” Ohno nods and sends Jun a soft smile. “Don’t over strain yourself.”  
  
  
  
  
“It’s not working.” Nino frowns.  
  
Jun has been watching them for a while. They have been cooking for three hours now. The first cake they tried to bake failed.  
  
“What is it now?” Ohno asks curiously.  
  
“It’s just not rising.” Aiba frowns as if the cake has just personally insulted him.  
  
Jun watches their struggle for a while, before he grins. “Of course it’s not working.” He smiles innocently. “Sho-kun has accidentally mixed up the amount of fat and flour.”  
  
“You!” Aiba glares. “I can’t believe it. You left us totally in the dark.”  
  
“Sorry.” Jun says sweetly, not able to hide his amusement. “But the both of you were so cute trying to cook it.” He exchanges a glance with Ohno before they burst into laughter. Next thing he knows is that a huge amount of flour comes flying into his direction, landing on his neck and shoulders and on half of Ohno’s face.  
  
Ohno and Jun exchange a glance. They are taking the bait. It’s stupid, Jun thinks and grabs the package of sugar next to him, but who cares?  
  
“Down!” Aiba calls towards Nino when the white ingredient is flying into his direction.  
  
They are going to have a hard time cleaning up later. But Jun doesn’t mind.  
  
  
~~~  
  
 _2007, January 1 st_  
  
 _“Thanks for the wonderful night, Jun.”_  
  
The first time they had sex… it was when Jun moved out of home and decided to live on his own. They didn’t even reach his bed. And since the sofa was too uncomfortable and too small for the both of them, they simply stayed in the living room. The fluffy carpet was enough.  
  
If Jun thinks about it now, he wonders if he still has that passion inside him. This desire that he wants someone that much, he would just do it on the floor, no matter how dirty and messed up everything else around him is.  
  
He strolls around in his new apartment. He loves it, but it just dawns on him that he has left lots of memories behind when he changed it. It probably shouldn’t bother him, but something inside him feels all nostalgic and heavy.  
  
 _Fine, I’ll give it a try, but only because you did it first :D_  
 _J – joyful_  
 _U – unbelievable_  
 _N – nimble_  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
Jun knows that he has to read the next letters before the others drop by too spontaneously again. He doesn’t have another messed up recipe to distract them with after all. So he grabs a glass of wine and something to eat and sits down at his mahogany kitchen table.  
  
 _I love you. I should probably say that to you directly. You are right, I’m a horrible adult. Still, I love you._  
  
Jun wonders if Sho has ever said it to him. Directly. Deep inside he knows that if he had, he would still remember it. Sho was never good with showing his feelings and with voicing them out directly.  
  
He knows it’s not his fault, but still, he has always wanted someone at his side who could do that. Who would be able to deal with his emotions and face them.  
  
Jun angles for the next letter. It’s been written months after the previous one. 2007 began as a good year, but it got worse with every month. It was already a time where they didn’t write to each other that regularly despite not talking much with each other either. Jun wonders if it was also his fault, for not being there enough, for losing his patience.  
  
 _Did I ever tell you that I love your body? You are pretty hot. Your body should be forbidden. Please, don’t undress in front of the others anymore. I might kill them if they look at you *kidding-of-course*_  
  
Jun lets out a sigh – something between amused and annoyed.  Even now, years later, he has similar emotions towards this letter. It was written in a light and funny tune, but still- “You have been too jealous, Sho.” Jun mumbles silently. “Sadly.”  
  
 _I’m sorry that I yelled at you, Jun. I was jealous and stupid. And unsure of myself and everything. I should have had more faith in you. Did I mention that I was stupid? Please talk to me again._  
  
  
~~~  
  
 _2007, second half_  
  
He talked to Sho on the phone regularly, even though they were fighting more at the moment. But he loved to hear his voice. There was something about it, something alluring and seducing.  
  
Still, he was always nervous before he dialled his number. Weird. The moment Sho picked up, all his nervousness was blown away. It was so normal all of a sudden.  
  
“Hey, Jun. What’s up?” Sho said casually. He always sounded relaxed at that time.  
  
“Wanna hit the movies?” Jun would ask while he put some books into his shelf.  
  
“When?”  
  
“Now.”  
  
Sho always laughed at his spontaneous invitation. “Talking about spontaneous.”  
  
“You know, none of the others is ever going to see that one with me. Nino will give me an earful about how boring it is. Aiba will say it’s an art film and he hates that genre. And Riida will be Riida. You are my last hope.”  
  
Of course, Sho agreed and dropped by any time.  
  
Today **,** Jun wonders if Sho actually ever called him or was it always Jun calling? All the spontaneous invitations, the need to see him, to hear his voice.  
  
Hm.  
  
He isn’t sure at all. But then, he might have always loved Sho more than Sho loved him. No surprise.  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
Jun spends the afternoon cleaning up. He hasn’t done that in a while. And there are still some white sprinkles of flour and sugar on his walls. Even though Aiba, Nino and Ohno helped him to clean it up, but still. “Well, it was fun at least.” Jun says to himself, when he puts a book with Irish poetry into his shelf.  
  
Ohno has been reading in it when he was here the last time. He put a bookmark between two pages. When Jun opens the said page to look at it, he blinks in surprise. This is-  
  
He puts the book aside and bends down for the box. This time **,** he is almost thankful that the others meddled with his privacy like that, because after all **,** Nino and Aiba did bring all the letters into an order.  
  
There is a specific one from late 2006, or early 2007.  
  
 _This reminds me of you, Jun. Like it was written by you or for you! What do you think?_  
 _Did you know it already?_  
  
 _Out of the night that covers me,  
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,  
I thank whatever gods may be  
For my unconquerable soul.  
  
In the fell clutch of circumstance  
I have not winced nor cried aloud.  
Under the bludgeonings of chance  
My head is bloody, but unbowed.  
  
Beyond this place of wrath and tears  
Looms but the Horror of the shade,  
And yet the menace of the years  
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.  
  
It matters not how strait the gate,  
How charged with punishments the scroll,  
I am the master of my fate:  
I am the captain of my soul._  
(Invictus by William Ernest Henley)  
  
Jun shifts the paper in his hands for a while before he gets up with a sigh. He pins it on his pin board. This poem, he can’t deny it, he truly loves.  
  
~~~  
  
 _2008, May 5 th_  
  
When they were lying next to each other, arm in arm, or when they were making love, everything seemed so perfect. It was like their passion for each other could erase everything else round them **,** all the doubts, the fears and the problems.  
  
But the moment when they weren’t able to dwell in that passion, things were different. Even now **,** Jun doesn’t know when exactly it started to change. When he turned more impatient and annoyed by Sho’s antics, when Sho stopped being open about his thoughts and feelings, when he simply hid everything, when they fought all the time. Still, it shouldn’t have ended like that. Not so painful.  
  
“Are you lying to me?” Jun asked one day, when Sho told him he would be working longer and wouldn’t drop by for the next few days. He had this feeling for weeks already, but couldn’t quite put the finger on it yet. It got more obvious day by day though.  
  
“No.” Sho said, but Jun knew it nevertheless. Sho’s voice sounded hoarse and sad and was dripping with guilt.  
  
At one point **,** Sho called less **.** He didn’t write any letters anymore, nor did he answer any calls. Hiding. He was hiding. One part of Jun hated him for that, the other just wished he would be straight-forward instead.  
  
Then the very last letter arrived.  
  
Out of all things he admitted the one thing that Jun couldn’t handle.  
  
~~~  
  
“So how did your story continue?” Ohno asks. He has visited him alone this time and Jun is eternally thankful for that.  
  
“Here.” He says and shows Ohno the last letter he has. It’s from May 2008.  
  
 _I’m sorry. Eternally sorry, Jun, my love. I wish you could forgive me._ Nothing more was written on it.  
  
Ohno licks his lips nervously. “What was your answer?”  
  
When Jun laughs bitterly, the other looks at him in surprise. Instead of an explanation **,** Jun angles for the box and looks through all the sheets of paper, until he finds the right one. It has the same date written on it. “Here.” He says.  
  
 _I forgive you._  
  
“It’s differently coloured.” Ohno says in surprise. “The others are all red. This one is pink.”  
  
“Yes.” Jun nods. “I wrote it, but couldn’t give it to him.”  
  
“Did you?” Ohno wants to know, without asking what Sho was begging for forgiveness for. “Forgive him? Truly?”  
  
“Back then-“ Jun pauses, rubbing his head tiredly. “I’m not sure if I did. I wanted to. I know, I wanted to. But I couldn’t. I was hurt, you know.”  
  
“And now?” Ohno wants to know.  
  
“Now everything is a lot clearer to me.” Jun explains, but doesn’t specify what he means. Ohno is wise enough not to ask any further.  
  
  
~~~  
  
It is raining when Jun hurries to the konbini to buy some groceries. He has left his umbrella and when he comes back home he is pretty drenched. The little pink note is still lying on the kitchen table.  
  
 _I forgive you._  
  
Screw it. Screw him. Screw Sho.  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
It’s mostly out of a feeling of nostalgia that Jun opens the box again. There aren’t only letters  inside the box, but also a plush toy, a puppy, Sho once bought for him during summer **,** a wristband he made by himself **,** and there were little presents and thoughtful gifts that Jun has kept secretly. They have always remained in his heart.  
  
The one thing he is searching for though, is lying at the very bottom of the box.  
  
There it is. Sho’s old dark-blue sweater, the one he gave to Jun when he was still a junior, sleeves too big. It was cold outside back then and he felt warm and comforted when he put it on.  
  
He doesn’t know why, but suddenly he finds himself trying on the sweater again. It fits this time, it’s not too big anymore. The old warm and comforted feeling is gone though, but it still smells like Sho. With a sigh Jun puts it away again.  
  
He takes the stuffed puppy instead and turns it in his hands thoughtfully. He almost misses it, because he is too much caught in his thoughts. But suddenly his fingers meet a little sheet of paper that sticks to the puppy. It’s red and the date is new. 2014, October 20th, the day he moved into his new apartment.  
  
 _Jun,_  
  
 _I know I’m doing something horrible to you here, I should have never brought it up. Even now I can’t believe what I did back then. But at that time, when we broke up, I couldn’t say anything to you. I know you waited for me to say something, to stop you, to call you back. You wanted to hear me say “I’m sorry”, not write it. Back then I couldn’t say it. I crushed you, but believe me I crushed myself too._  
  
 _I just wanted to give you back what belongs to you. I’ve found this box right after you wanted to dispose it and kept it all the time. I’m sorry. Maybe it was a mistake, but I just couldn’t get rid of it. I never looked inside, nor did I read anything, only when I wrote this letter I opened it. I hope you can forgive me for meddling with your feelings – again._  
  
 _I just wanted to tell you, that I wasn’t able to let go of you all this time. I know I should have made it clearer from the beginning on that I loved you. I think I’ve never told you directly because we broke up so suddenly and I didn’t try to explain anything, I just couldn’t let go._  
  
 _One part of me still loves you, Jun, and the dream we had together._  
  
 _I’m sorry for telling you my feelings like that. I’ve always been better with writing it down. Just take your time to answer. I’m not expecting anything. I know it’s impossible – for the both of us. We can’t go back. I just wanted to be honest to you._  
  
 _I want you to be happy._  
  
  
~~~  
  
“Hmhm?” Nino’s voice sounds sleepy through the phone. And for a moment Jun feels guilty, but-  
  
“Do you want to drop by?” His voice sounds hoarse and he is sure that Nino heard it too.  
  
“Sure.” The latter says. “I haven’t gone to sleep yet.” Jun knows it’s probably a lie, but he is thankful that Nino doesn’t let his guard down. “I’m taking my WiiU along.” Nino continues. “Any game you want to play?”  
  
“Yeah, something where I can shoot zombies.”  
  
He can hear Nino chuckle all of a sudden and it feels weirdly relieving. “Zombies it is then.” It’s past midnight when Nino finally arrives. He doesn’t say anything or ask any questions, they just keep playing a stupid game. Jun wonders himself what he is trying to achieve by shooting all this pixel junk.  
  
“Jun-“ Nino finally starts carefully. “Who in your mind are you shooting at so madly? Sho-kun?”  
  
“No.” Jun says bitterly.  
  
“Who is it then?”  
  
Jun puts his controller aside and brushes through his hair tiredly. “I-“ he pauses, his throat feeling dry all of a sudden. Something behind his eyes burns. “Myself.”  
  
“Why?” Nino asks softly.  
  
For a moment Jun considers his thoughts, then he turns to his friend. His fingers are playing with the fringe of the pillow next to him. “Nino, I’m over him.” He says silently. “I don’t feel any regret, nor any remorse, nor any bitter feelings. It’s a memory, a good memory.” He pauses, something in his stomach is twisting painfully by all the memories he is leaving behind. But it’s the truth and he can’t ignore it. “I don’t think I love him anymore.” It almost feels like a dam is breaking by the emotions that are flooding him now. Saying it out loud has made it true, it turned real.  
  
Nino’s hand feels warm when he touches Jun’s shoulder. “It’s not something you need to be guilty about.” He says earnestly. “It’s been years. Over 6 years. It’s your full right to be over the feelings you had once and move on. It would be tragic if you couldn’t.”  
  
“He wrote to me. He said he could never let go.”  
  
Nino sighs a bit. “I thought  as much already.” He says honestly. “Maybe because there wasn’t a clear cut for him. I think he loves the memory of you together, but he wouldn’t be able to be together with you again. It’s a dream. Sho knows that. He just wanted to say it out loud to be able to move on too.”  
  
Probably. This sounds like something Sho would do.  
  
Jun cries.  
  
~~~  
  
 _Dear Sho,_  
  
 _The moment I saw it weeks ago, I knew it was you who brought the box and placed it where we found it later on. For not letting it fall to dust when I threw it away, I’m eternally thankful. You brought a piece of my life back to me. I didn’t know how important this piece was for me. I was reckless and stupid back then and almost lost something very important by throwing it away. I’ve learned that one should cherish these memories, even though they might be painful sometimes._  
  
 _I’ve forgiven you long ago, Sho. I promise, I have. I didn’t have the strength to tell it to you earlier, but now I can say it openly. Please, don’t burden yourself anymore. At that time **,** I was difficult and hard to handle too, not only you. We both made mistakes. Maybe we didn’t have the right timing, maybe we were too young. _  
  
_Now I know that I can cherish every memory we had together._  
 _For all the things that happened, may they be good or bad, I’m thankful._  
 _For everything, every tiny adventure, we went through together, I’m thankful._  
 _For how we grew up together, I’m thankful._  
 _For the way you helped me to become the person I am now, I’m thankful._  
 _For keeping my memories even though you were feeling sad too, I’m thankful._  
 _For all the love, the pain, the sadness, the anger, the happiness, I’m thankful. I don’t want to miss any of these feelings. I’d rather have them in my heart than never have felt them through you._  
  
 _But even so, as much as I loved you back then, I can’t go back to that anymore. I’ve tried. I truly did. With every message I read, with every memory I’ve unfolded, I just wished I could turn back time. But none of us can do it._  
  
 _Please Sho, I wish you nothing but happiness. One part of me will always be with you and love you. And I wish to be able to stand side by side with you, to be a friend you can rely on, because that’s all I can be._  
  
 _I hope we can find our path together, even though we are not lovers anymore._  
 _Forever, together, strong._  
  
 _I’m sorry too!_  
  
 _Jun_  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
Sho doesn’t say anything to Jun, nor does he give a clear sign. Still, Jun knows he has read his letter, he just needs some time to find the right words. It’s just a feeling he has, coming from a long time ago when he and Sho had a mutual understanding of each other. That the feeling served him right, he finds out one week later when Sho is approaching him after a rehearsal.  
  
For a moment they are both quiet, a bit nervous. Then Sho hugs him all of a sudden. “Here.” He says, when he lets go and hands Jun his letter, written on red paper. “I think it’s my last.” He smiles. To Jun’s relief it’s an honest smile.  
  
“Thanks.” Jun’s lips tug a bit. There are things he wants to say, like, if you need something, call me. I’m sorry. I hope you are alright. I wish, I could, but I can’t. You can still write to me.  
  
Maybe one day, when more time has passed, we can meet as two different people and learn from each other again.  
  
In the end he doesn’t say it, it’s better that way.  
  
  
  
 _Dear Jun,_  
  
 _Promise me to become happy! I need to know that you will be alright. I wish I could turn back time and undo what happened. I’ve waited too long I guess. From now on **,** I will let you turn into a memory too and cherish it forever. May we both find a new love soon, someone who can accept us the way we are and complement our strengths and weaknesses. _  
  
_Here, I found this poem while looking through some old books. I’m sending it to you because I want us both to move forward. Thank you for being honest to me and always voicing all the things I couldn’t. I wish for you to find someone who can give you all the things I couldn’t._  
  
 _"Hope" is the thing with feathers -  
That perches in the soul -  
And sings the tune without the words -  
And never stops - at all -  
  
And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -  
And sore must be the storm -  
That could abash the little Bird  
That kept so many warm -  
  
I've heard it in the chillest land -  
And on the strangest Sea -  
Yet - never - in Extremity,  
It asked a crumb - of me._  
(Hope is the thing with feathers, by Emily Dickinson)  
  



End file.
